The above is not exactly true. I can remember what it’s like to not be tired. It’s just that this period was probably before I started studying and definitely before I started working a second job. And that period was 100% not any time this year. This year has been manic.
For some reason, this week has hit me like a sack of bricks. Today, I even woke up tired. The thought of all the stuff I have to do today made me want to roll back over and stay in bed forever. Not wanting to be a whiny bitch but, goddamn, there are simply not enough hours in the day! Just a couple more hours – two or three – just so I could have a teensy, weensy bit of time to myself that doesn’t feel stolen from something else that I SHOULD be doing.
When did our days start feeling owned? I feel like I have so little time that is truly my own. Now, I suppose my uni time is my time – time spent improving myself – but it doesn’t FEEL like my time. A huge chunk of time belongs to whatever work we do. Time for partners. Time for family. Time for friends. Time for the gym – yes, that’s me time but, fuck, it’s painful sometimes.
What about time to just sit and do sweet fuck all? Usually, that’s my TV time. Game of Thrones, House of Cards, Boardwalk Empire, all that good shit. But damn, if I don’t feel guilty during and afterwards. Like I’ve eaten a GIANT block of chocolate or Krispy Kreme original glazed. Yes, sometimes, it’s THAT good.
Last night, someone told me I looked tired. Well, it’s unsurprising. I feel it. Also, yesterday, I perhaps foolishly went to the gym at 7am before a double shift of work (8hrs at job 1 + 8hrs at job 2). Madness, I hear you say. I can imagine parents out there saying ‘you don’t know tired yet!’ Well, I think I may. I think I’m damn close to parent-level tired and I’m doing it completely kid-free and self-inflicted. Although, I suppose kids are self-inflicted too now, aren’t they?
Fact: I’ve always had very vivid dreams. I went through periods when I had terrible, paralysing nightmares, woke up crying or had a hard time telling dreams from memories. The other day, I watched World War Z and had horrendous nightmares. Can’t remember what they were but JESUS. Hearing that teeth chattering noise they make freaks me out even now. Yes, horror movies mess with me and, no, they don’t even have to be that scary.