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Today, I found myself in a meat processing plant.

I’ve been trying cut out animal products for quite awhile now. Often unsuccessfully. Dairy has proved the hardest to eliminate but I’ve at least managed to drastically reduce my meat intake.

Walking through those cool, still corridors, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. He said we were going to ‘see the cows’. A slight panicked voice wondered if that meant dead or alive or one about to become the other. My rational side explained that he wouldn’t be volunteering to have that kind of scene play out behind him at a corporate gala event.

The rational voice was right, thank god. Still, seeing all those animals so close to death was confronting. Smelling the soft scents of blood and manure in the air was confronting. Seeing the workers moving around in their blood spattered gear was confronting. I came home and I cried without really know what for.

There is so much horror in the world. As the CEO explained, these animals get treated very well compared to other meat animals, compared to cattle in other countries. Does that make it ok? I don’t know. I know that I already know all these things and so much more and yet it doesn’t help me to cut meat and dairy entirely out of my diet. I feel selfish for that but, as my partner says, they’re dead anyways. You not eating them doesn’t bring them back to life.

But, at least I’m not eating them, I think to myself, all smug in my little ethical blankie. At least, I’m not eating them… and then I do. They’re just so damn tasty!!