With depression being so topical at the moment, it seems like a good time to acknowledge the terrible cloud of blackness that sometimes steals in so swiftly that we’re surrounded before we even know it. I don’t think I’m depressed but I definitely have moments when I feel like I would rather disappear than be me, be alive. I don’t think it gets to the point where I am suicidal but if, at that very moment, there was a ‘disappear here’ button, I would definitely press it. Perhaps my thoughts are just the lazy person’s option.
Although this week was somehow different. I often have a pack of Ducene (Valium) at home that my doctor prescribes for nausea and today I caught myself looking at that innocuous little package more than once with… I’m not sure what on my mind. Yet, I can’t imagine myself doing anything further than just letting it flicker in my mind for a moment. Let it flicker and glow before stamping it out and shaking myself free. I think about my mother and my sister, my partner and my dogs and how a decision like that would affect them (perhaps even more than me) and I put the thought aside.
Life can be hard. It can wear you down (Mondays especially). I get down. I feel tired and lonely and not enough and all those things I’m (relatively) sure we all think about ourselves. Or maybe not. I tell myself I have things pretty good compared to so many. For me, the important thing is to not be reactive. My moods change and tomorrow I might feel better. I might swim out of the rip tide and into smooth water. But, if it continued on indefinitely with no ebb and flow, I can see how things might be unbearable. If I didn’t see an end in sight… well, let’s just say that I can empathise.