I would like to pose a question. Do you know what the fuck you’re doing? I would like to see the hand of one person over… hmmm… let’s say 25 that has it all together.
Why do I pick 25? It’s not totally arbitrary. I think younger than this and you MAY (note I did say MAY, in caps) think you’ve got it all figured out. It takes a little while for the ‘oh fuck, what the hell is going on here?’ vibe to truly sink in. Or at least it did for me. I remember myself much more together when I was younger. Or, if not ‘together’, at least much more confident of my navigation skills. But who knows? Maybe I just THOUGHT I was. The ‘WTF’ had not yet sunk in.
Now I’m 31 and I honestly don’t think I have a clue. Some days I look at myself and think, who are you kidding? You know when you were little and you’d get dressed up in your mum’s big shoes and clothes and smear on her make-up? Yep, that’s how I feel except everything fits (more or less, being small sometimes things are a little bit long or roomy), my makeup is perfect (depending on the day) and I don’t LOOK like I’m playing dress-ups. But I definitely feel like it sometimes. Like I’m in disguise. People talk about feeling like a fraud. I feel like an imposter. Like I’ve snuck into the big kids’ party, blitzed their alcohol and am now just trying to lurk (read: stagger) amongst the crowd without getting caught.
All this at 31. If I don’t feel grown up now, when is this meant to happen? I always felt adulthood was this magical transformation that happened overnight. Like Sleeping Beauty, you work up and instead of your prince bent over you with puckered lips, you just had this epiphany. Something to the tune of ‘yes, I’m a big girl now… and I can do stuff. Grown up stuff’.
Has this happened to anyone ever? I have my doubts.