I don’t do well in crowds. Even small groups, sometimes as small as threes. Or maybe especially in groups of threes, who knows? I have what could perhaps be called an overactive sense of exclusion. Or perhaps I just find it hard to integrate with others.
I do agree with today’s quote. I honestly believe that you can be the loneliest person of all while surrounded by people… often people that may be confused with friends. It seems fitting that today, on R U OK Day?, I find myself discussing how easy it is to feel alone when we’re anything but.
And it’s the worst feeling because you feel like there’s something wrong with you. You put it all on yourself and draw huge assumptions about why person X didn’t respond when you said hello to them or why person A didn’t respond when you asked them a question across a busy room. There could be a million reasons why (they were distracted; they didn’t see you; they didn’t hear you) but, when you’re in that dark, bottom-of-the-hole place, only the worst possible scenario will do.
How do you get out? It’s fucking rough. Reasoning with yourself seems like such an obvious, patronising response when your heart feels bitter and brimming with poison at the seeming injustice of it all. But, it works. I’ve talked myself down from many a towering rage that started with some foolish, imagined slight. It doesn’t always work but, if I manage to escape even one of these black moods, it’s a definite win.
So… if you’re like me and you sometimes feel like you can’t connect with the rest of society, I can’t really give you a silver bullet. But I can tell you that, whatever terrible shit you’re telling yourself is going on with all the people around you, it is 99% not so. Look for proof. Look for actual evidence to back up your assumptions. Because sometimes your own sadistic mind is the enemy, not the people around you.