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When I was younger (say mid-early 20s), I ate what I wanted with no visible consequences. Somehow, my metabolism managed to sweep all the shit I was eating under the proverbial rug. I didn’t work an office job then so I was maybe a bit more active. And then one day, there I am, in my mid-20s, staring at a screen most of the day for work and, lo and behold, my metabolism says enough is enough. The outrage. The unfairness. The just desserts, really. It sucks getting older.

Last week, I had my first day back at the gym. I did a Pilates class and survived. It wasn’t too bad. This week, I have bigger plans. Maybe three or four classes, depending on the kind of recovery time I find myself needing. I might start back with my trainer next week, if my finances allow it.

To be honest, I thought I would put on quite a bit of weight on our trip. But I weighed myself yesterday and was pretty pleased. I can definitely tell that I’ve lost some of my fitness but things are not as dire as they could be considering I haven’t trained in any meaningful way since October and have been on a whatever-I-feel-like diet throughout the holiday, Xmas and NY period. I seem to have dodged a bullet.

I’m definitely one of those people who comfort eats. I get down or stressed and I reach straight for the sweets, the fats, the junk food. They make me feel better in that moment. I almost do it out of spite, ‘This is going shittily so who cares? I’m going to eat THIS! Muahahahha that’ll teach you!’

But who does it ‘teach’? Just little old me sitting in McDonald’s guiltily scarfing down a burger, nuggets and sundae (with double fudge). And, believe me, the guilt is real. All the little voices that said ‘Yes! Yes!’ pre-feast are now tut-tutting in disappointment. As if they didn’t expect me to go through with it. As if they haven’t known me for 31 years and known this is exactly what was going to happen.

Oh, and because I know how bad this food is for me, I also like to eat it in secret so no one knows. Because if no one sees you eat it, it never really happened, right? You betcha. That’s not crazy at ALL!! I throw away my chip or chocolate wrappers before I get home or to work so no one will notice and potentially comment (as if anyone would, actually maybe just my partner).

*sigh* On the upside, I bought a caramel doughnut with my lunch on Saturday and ended up forgetting about it and leaving it at work. I wish I had it now (yes, even as I wait for my gym class). It would be so tasty (I need help).