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After reading this article about an impending mozziegeddon in Eastern Australia, I felt a slight flutter of panic. I’m one of those unfortunate souls mosquitoes seem to lose their goddamn minds over.

I don’t know what it is – whether it’s body heat or what you’ve eaten or they can see your cold black soul and are bent on its destruction – but I always get bitten. Actually, the expert in the above mentioned article says it’s the cocktail of chemicals on your skin. Some people just smell more delicious to mosquitoes. And that pretty much sums up my situation. If there’s mosquitoes around, I’m going to get bitten. If they’re trapped in the bedroom, I dive under the blanket (even on the hottest of nights) because I know I’m first on the menu.

I’m actually very surprised I didn’t get the Chicka V virus when we were travelling around the Caribbean. It’s mosquito-borne and pretty much rampant in that region at the moment, especially in Jamaica. So, even though I was dousing myself in what could possibly have been toxic amounts of repellent, a small part of me didn’t really believe it would work. I mean, how many times have you put repellent on and the bastards have still blitzed you?

Thankfully, we don’t have Chicka V here in Australia (or dengue fever or yellow fever). Apparently, we have something called Ross River virus but I don’t even want to know what that is. I feel enough deep-seated dread at the thought of horribly itchy mosquito bites without having to add diseases and such to the mix.

They really are some of the worst creatures on the planet. Surely it’s unfair for one tiny insect to be such a harbinger of misery. Spread some of that shit out! Let some of the other flying pests have some of the ‘glory’.

It’s not going to happen, I know. They’ve managed to evolve into pure apex predators, feeding on those at the top of the food chain with absolute impunity. Goddamn, I hate them and their smug, whiney bzzzz. If anyone needs me, I’ll be cowering in the corner, dripping in repellent, praying for the annihilation – nay genocide – of the entire mosquito species, consequences be damned!