My partner and me are working on communication. In all honesty, I’m probably the one with the communication problem. Actually, not ‘probably’, just ‘am’. I am the one with the problem. Sigh. He often says that I write things on this blog that I should tell him about. And he’s right, again. Damn him.
I’ve used this pic because it makes me think of the things we try to hide, the things about ourselves that maybe embarrass us or that we think others will judge us for. I don’t like to share these things (and I assume most sane people in the world are the same). Yet, when you’re in a relationship, it seems that sometimes you need to. Even if you don’t want to. Even if it doesn’t seem like the other person really needs to know. And the things I haven’t shared? Well, lately that would be my post-bday blues and a semi-job offer that I got yesterday.
For my blues, my partner asked me what was wrong and I said nothing. I figured, I’m not upset with you so I can keep this to myself but, in hindsight, I suppose it affects him too. Actually, not suppose. It does affect him as he gets to deal with a less than cheery me and wonder if he’s the cause.
For the job offer, a friend had referred me to a company he’d worked with and yesterday they called and said they might have some freelance work for me. We saw that friend last night and I told him about it and he said he’d help me come up with some freelance rates. Now, I had only just spoken to them an hour before and hadn’t had a chance to tell my partner and it didn’t come up again throughout the night. But he must have overheard so he asked me about it this morning and wanted to know why I hadn’t told him. In my mind, it wasn’t real yet. I still had to find costs, they still had to decide to use me. It was all up in the air and, ultimately, I would be embarrassed if it fell through.
And that’s it really. These things embarrassed me or had the potential to embarrass me. I didn’t want my partner (of nine years in April) to see my weaknesses or failures. My god. What the actual fuck? It sounds so ridiculous when you type it up and it stares you in the face all black and white and accusatory. If I can’t tell the person that’s shared my life more than anyone else these past almost nine years, then who can I tell? Well, in my mind, no one. Just me. I’m the only one that needs to know this shit.
I suppose it has to change. I have to change. I have to think of us as a team, especially now I’m just working part time and rely on him more than I ever have. It’s going to take some adjusting. Some serious dedication to change. Have you ever heard of a leopard changing its spots at 32? Personally, I don’t know much about leopards so who knows? It could be possible.