The brain is a terrible and wonderful thing. It’s capable of amazing things, like maths and music and understanding the machinations of the universe. But then it can also drag you down into a pit of darkness and feed you on a diet of rage and raw despair. And why? For the slightest of reasons, the smallest of slights, for something that is no one’s fault at all and then suddenly, you’re just low low low and you can’t get out of it.
I’ve had these crazy mood swings for a long time. I don’t know how long or if they’ve always been around. I know my sister gets them as well. The slightest thing can set you off. You’ll be happy one minute and then something will set you off; something will get cancelled, someone will let you down or say the wrong thing, something you’ve been looking forward to for a long time will fall through and then there you are – trapped in a fug of despair, like it’s the end of the world. Like I said, it can be the smallest thing.
And, of course, the brain, helpful organ that it is, comes along and throws fuel on the fire. Oh, you’re upset? How about we think about the things that make you saddest? How about you’re coming into your sixth month of job hunting? You know you haven’t been to the gym in about two weeks, right? Oh and you ate all the remaining chocolate covered almonds too. Does that make you feel any better? No? Oh, I must not understand what’s going on here. Fuck you, brain, you know EXACTLY what’s going on here! This isn’t your first rodeo. Bastard.
So, yeah. It’s fun. For me, the worst thing is that I know I’m in one of my moods but I just can’t get out. I know how irrational I’m being. I can see the stupid, insignificant thing that set me off but I. Just. Can’t. Stop. Feeling. Like. Shit. My partner will try to cheer me up but I can’t shake it off. I’m trapped in this stupid shell of rage and I know I’m there but I just have to wait it out. Take a nap. Whatever. Basically, just wait until it passes and I can think like a rational human again.
I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be depressed. My moods generally last for a few hours, sometimes they run over a day or two, which I feel is nothing compared to what some people must have to endure. It’s intense, that feeling like nothing’s ever going to get better. Like there’s nothing good in the world and there never will be. It hurts your heart, squeezes your chest, makes you not want to breathe.
Stupid brain, just do your job and leave the rest of the body alone. You’re not the boss around here (yeah, we both know otherwise).
Image credit: Kchurch10 | Tumblr