I find it’s when times get tough that I start getting hard on myself. I’ve been sick off and on for a month now with this last week being the hardest of all. I haven’t worked all week and have spent my days on the couch watching a constant stream of TV. My stomach has been upset so I’ve hardly eaten. The only times I’ve left the house have been to see my therapist and to go to the doctor – oh and yesterday, when my partner took me to a little café so I could get outside and eat something. He’s thoughtful like that, even though I couldn’t eat much.
So that’s me at the moment: sick and feeling very glum and unmotivated. I’ve lost about 3kgs this week due to lack of appetite/upset stomach so I suppose you could view that as a positive, depending on how you look at it. I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this but I miss my days of going to the gym. It made me feel full of energy and good about myself. I haven’t been to the gym in over a month. Things have been dire – first with being sick then a week of uni assignments then sick ever since.
On the other hand, my partner’s life has been going gangbusters. He’s been seeing his trainer three days a week and is starting to see some pretty awesome results. As I mentioned, I haven’t been to the gym in a month and any gains I’d made have long since been lost in the sloth-ness my life has become. My own trainer left my gym quite awhile back and, while I do have someone else lined up, I’ve been waiting until I get a second job before starting up with him. I tell myself I’ll be able to afford it a bit better then and will have a more set routine. Excuses, excuses, I know, but valid ones, I think.
My partner also has some pretty awesome things going on with his career at the moment and, while I would never begrudge him his success (he works very hard and is very dedicated), I still find myself comparing my own seemingly at-a-standstill life to his. He is definitely much more ambitious than me; he wants to build an empire and be quite financially successful. My own goals are more modest: to enjoy what I do, to be happy and productive. Yes, I want success but I think about it more in terms of happiness than in a solid dollar figure way. Which is not a bad thing on my partner’s part, I don’t think, it’s just not as important for me (although I do like nice things, I suppose he will just have to buy them for me ;)).
I know I’m just making things harder on myself by comparing my situation to his. I knew the next two years would be difficult for me while I focus on getting through my studies and maybe not so much on my actual career. But it’s hard. I’m competitive. I like to do well. I like to feel proud of myself and my achievements. At the moment, I don’t feel like I’m achieving much (unless they’re giving out awards for most amount of time spent on the couch watching Law & Order: SVU).
Perhaps I’m just feeling shitty because I’ve been sick for so long. I know that’s probably it. I do have things I can be excited about. I’m doing really well at uni. I have three interviews next week. One second interview and two first ones. There are prospects in my future. I could potentially have a job by the end of the month (must be careful not to get myself too worked up though!).
I’m simply at a different stage of my life than him. Yes, I might be older but I don’t have a clear idea in my mind of what I want to do “when I grow up”. My partner has known for 10 years! I can’t reasonably compare myself to that and expect to feel good about myself. At least I’m doing something to try and find happiness. I’m studying something that interests me. I left a job that I didn’t like. Things are better than they were. They’re just not going to be better 100% of the time. Deal with it.
Image credit: My Little Book Blog