Ugh, I’m not going to lie, these last few days have been pretty tough. Not getting that job has hit me pretty hard and, try as I might, I just can’t move past it. I’m filled with frustration and shame that I’m still here, still in the same place. What’s wrong with me (on so many levels)? Did I make the worst decision ever leaving my last job, seeing as I’m now back where I started, bored and frustrated and unhappy? Who knows? If I’d stayed, things could’ve gotten better by now. Ha.
I tried to work on one of my uni assignments today, a short story, to try and take my mind off things but that didn’t work. I wasn’t in the right headspace so everything just felt forced and shitty. Which, of course, put me in a worse mood. I knew what I should be doing was applying for the list of jobs I’ve got queued up in my internet browser but that was a distinctly unappealing prospect. Just glancing at all those tabs made me angry. Made me upset and sad. I couldn’t muster the enthusiasm to start reading the job descriptions and tweaking my resume and cover letter to suit them. And for what? How many jobs have I applied for now with no result? I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not today. In fact, I didn’t want to do anything. Ever. Again. I wanted to stay in bed all day and all night and for the rest of eternity. Just. Doing. Nothing.
Things were much the same yesterday but my partner wasn’t having any of it. He got me out of the house for a couple’s massage and a steam bath, then lunch and ice cream. We were meant to go out to this hip hop party that night but he hadn’t been feeling well so he didn’t want to go. Well, despite having a great day together, I (unfairly) cracked it. I couldn’t face another weekend on the couch watching TV and, even though I knew I was being selfish, I couldn’t help it. I took myself off to bed at some ridiculously early hour (and fell asleep surprisingly easily).
I suppose most of my problem right now is an incredible mind-numbing boredom and frustration with my life. I’m not doing anything I’m particularly proud of. I’m bored at work. I’m frustrated (and – surprise! – yes, bored) outside of work. I’m humiliated by the job search process. I feel as if any self esteem I have is quietly being sucked from me every time I press “Submit” on another application. I don’t want to be this person and yet… Here I am. Stuck. Unable to make myself feel better for a sustained period of time. Any setback seems like an insurmountable obstacle because I’m so low to begin with.
I’ll find myself walking down the street or sitting on the bus and suddenly I have to start rubbing my eyes furiously because I’m about to fucking cry. What the fuck?! I’m generally not a big cry-er but it seems I can add this skill to my (useless) resume because -joy! – I’ve now become a pro. Hey, I’m all for having a big blubber from time to time because you 100% feel better afterwards. It’s just that ‘in public’ doesn’t quite feel like the right place to get your catharsis on. You know, with all those people around and stuff? Not my scene.
Anyways. I know I have to get my shit together. Losing the plot and dissolving into despair and self pity is definitely not going to get me a job. At some point, I’m going to have to get over it. There’s much worse shit that could be happening to me. It might not feel that way right now, but it’s true. I’m just going to lay in the sun a bit more and try and talk myself off this (figurative) ledge I’m stuck on. If the sun can’t make me feel better, nothing will.
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