I generally come across as a very confident person but it’s not always that way on the inside. I have moments when I wonder why people want to be friends with me. Making new friends is hard because I feel insecure, like I’m not fun so why would that person want to be friends with me? Even when it’s obvious that they like me, a little voice in my head says, “They’re so fun. They have so many friends. Why would they like you?”
Making plans with new friends is the hardest. I fear rejection so I’m scared to suggest doing things because I get worried they’ll decline and then I’ll overthink things. Maybe they said no because they really do already have plans and not because they can’t stand the sight of me. Slight exaggeration but you get my drift. I have to push myself to make that first step, to say, “Hey, let’s do something” and then my heart’s in my throat while I wait for their response. It’s weird. In my head, I know I’m a worthy person to have around as a friend – I’m fun, I have good chat, I’m always doing fun stuff and planning new shit to go to – but I always question myself. I find it hard to see my worth.
I have this one friend who’s super social. We met at work and hit it off and have been friends for about eight years now. Yet it’s taken me ages to truly believe that I’m worthy of her friendship and don’t have to keep trying to win her over, that we’re true friends now and close friends at that. And I say this even though she often introduces me to other people as one of her best friends. It makes exactly zero sense.
To illustrate my point, I’ll tell you a little story. We’d been friends for maybe four or five years at this point and her and her husband had just gotten back from living in New York for three years (we visited them every year). One night, I’d gone with them to a Halloween house party and the two of us were sitting outside in the backyard, pretty high, I must admit.
I turned to my friend and said, “Why are you friends with me?”
She was genuinely surprised by the question. “What do you mean why am I friends with you?”
“Well, you’re so social and popular. I don’t understand why you’re friends with me.” The wording may not be exactly correct here. I have to admit my memory is a bit fuzzy.
What then ensued was a huge D&M (deep and meaningful conversation) about why she liked me and what the fuck was wrong with me that I would even ask such a question.
I haven’t doubted that relationship since but that hasn’t stopped me from questioning others. I have no trouble meeting new people, that happens a lot for me because I work in hospitality and my partner and me are very social outside of this. I’ll spend time hanging out with people, we’ll have a good time, we’ll hang out again, we’ll make plans, they’ll respond to my messages. All good positive signs of friendship but still, in the back of my mind… always with the self doubt.
I think it’s safe to say I have problems. It’s ok though. I’m the first to admit it.
Image credit: Danielle Ivy | Pinterest