I’m writing this from the beach where storm clouds are starting to roll in and, as much as I hate to admit it, I actually don’t mind. Usually I’d be devastated at the loss of heat but today the cool the clouds bring is welcome. I’m listening to Interpol on shuffle and the beach jacarandas are in bloom (pictured) and things seem promising. I’ve been in a bit of a funk of late. The only thing I enjoy is work (at my day job, that is). When I’m there, I feel productive and efficient and valued. And if I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed or stressed out by my workload, I just keep going and eventually I get back on top of things. I told my bosses I never wanted to be bored and so far they haven’t failed me.
Outside of work, things are… Less positive. I feel tired all the time. I wake up and I can’t bring myself to get out of bed to go to the gym. I come home, flop on the couch, turn on the tv, fall asleep on the couch and then trudge to bed around midnight or 2am or 3am. I have no energy, no motivation to do anything else. Not even to write on here.
I don’t blame work because I feel full of energy there and I enjoy it. I don’t necessarily feel all that tired at the end of the day, more just a generally can’t be fucked to do anything vibe. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.
And, as always, I feel guilty because I’m not going to the gym even though I don’t start work until 10am and really have no excuse. I’m meant to be doing Tough Mudder next week but I can’t run 200m without getting out of breath and I’m weak as fuck. So then I feel even more like shit for letting my team down so I start eating comfort food to feel better, at least in the immediate. And we all know how much that really helps.
So yeah, I’m trapped in that boom or bust cycle my life seems to revolve around (in case you haven’t guessed, this is the bust phase). I know it’ll pass, it always does. But, while it’s here, it seems to last forever. It drags out and it drags me down.
I know it must seem so easy to just do something. Get out of bed. Go to the fucking gym. Write something. But, when your own brain is working against you, it’s harder than you think. When you’re mired in exhaustion and lethargy has seeped into your bones, your soul, good luck thinking a little pep talk is going to sort your shit out.
You have to let it run its course. Like the storm brewing here in Sydney, it has to pass. It can’t rage forever. At some point, there’ll be nothing left for it to feed on and it’ll blow over and then the sun will come out and it’ll be boom time again.