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This is part of an assignment I did for my Writing Humour unit. I got a Distinction overall. Oh god, posting this makes uni seems so close again.


Mind: We were once friends, you and I. Where did we go wrong? I feel like we turned thirty and you decided, that’s enough, let’s go our separate ways. Except we can’t. We’re more than joined at the hip, we’re one being, and you can’t just go toddling off on your own.

Body: Why not? I’m willing to give it a go.

Mind: Well, it defies the laws of biology, first of all. I know I don’t take care of you like I should but we have fun, don’t we? I take you dancing –

Body: Our feet hurt.

Mind: We drink the finest champagne and cocktails –

Body: Our liver hurts. And our head hurts the next day.

Mind: We eat the finest food –

Body: Our tummy hurts and just look at our thighs!

Mind: I swear you used to be more fun than this. Will you feel better if I take you to the gym more often?

Body: My everything hurts.

Mind: Look, you can’t have it both ways! What will make you happy? You tell me.

Body: Broccoli.

Mind: Broccoli? Broccoli will make you happy?

Body: Yes, broccoli and kale. In a smoothie. With coconut water. I read somewhere that it’s good for you. Something about superfoods or something.

Mind: You read somewhere? How could you read it without me reading it? You’re making it up. You want me to drink the two things I hate most in this world in liquid form on a regular basis?

Body: Yes. You asked what I want and this is what I want. This will make me feel better, I’m sure of it.

Mind: Why do you hate me so much?

Body: I don’t hate you. I just want to feel good again.

Mind: But you don’t want to go to the gym?

Body: No.

Mind: No? Not at all?

Body: Definitely not.

Mind: OK. So broccoli and kale smoothies are going to save our lives?

Body: Yes. That’s what the article said.


Body: Can’t remember.

Mind: Because you made it up.

Body: No.

Mind: Yes.

Body: No.

Mind: Fine. Broccoli and kale smoothies it is and then we can go dancing and drinking and eating fine foods again?

Body: Well… one more thing.

Mind: Oh god.

Body: I don’t want to go to the gym but I do want to do acro-yoga.

Mind: Acro-yoga?

Body: Yes.

Mind: Pray tell, what is this acro-yoga?

Body: Well, it’s just like regular yoga but with gymnastics! You bend over and around other people’s bodies and hang from pieces of fabric suspended from the ceiling.

Mind: Wow.

Body: Don’t you think it sounds cool?

Mind: I think you’ve lost your fucking mind.

Body: You never support me in the things I want to do! This is why I want to leave!

Mind: Well, you can’t. We’re stuck together; me with your green sludge and mindfuck yoga and you with all the fun stuff I want you to do.

Body: It’s not fun to me anymore.

Mind: Oh really?

Body: Yes. I don’t like it.

Mind: Oh OK, so is that why you make us salivate when all that food starts coming? Why you put on all our best dance moves when our favourite song comes on?

Body: I don’t have a choice. I can’t control that stuff.

Mind: I think you can. I don’t think you’ll be making us salivate when the broccoli and kale smoothie arrives.

Body: I will.

Mind: You’ll force it to prove a point.

Body: (silence)

Mind: Got you there, didn’t I?

Body: Maybe.

Mind: Look, I understand where you’re coming from. I make us do all this fun stuff and then you have to suffer all the consequences. Except the hangover, I feel that too but I happen to still think it’s worth it. But, regardless, I want to make this work. I agree to drink your shitty smoothies and participate in your insane yoga, if you agree to not be such a downer all the time. You know you like it, let’s just try to find some balance, OK?

Body: OK.

Mind: Now, let’s go whip us up a smoothie. Add some gin. Then we’ll go dancing.

Body: Yay!

Mind: That’s why I’m the brains of this operation.

Body: Shut up.