It appears I do better with structure. When I was on holiday and had all the time in the world, I got nothing done. Now I’m back at work with responsibilities and all that grown up shit and – lo and behold – I’m writing again. I’m getting shit done. I even went to the fucking gym yesterday morning. I mean look at me go. Not in a real, physical sense, of course. I’m pretty much crippled from the pain of attending the gym. But, aside from that minor detail, I’m on fire.
Maybe I’m one of those people who needs to be under pressure to reach peak performance. When there’s nothing putting the squeeze on my available time, I roll up into a big ball of nope and luxuriate in my desire to accomplish nothing. Actually, that’s a lie. I always have the desire to do stuff, I just never really get around to it. My desire to remain inert is stronger than my desire to actually do something.
Is there a name for this type of behaviour? And why does it disappear as soon as I have a shit tonne to do? I suppose it’s a good thing. It would be disastrous if I remained lazy or cracked under pressure.
As it stands, I am bursting at the seams with energy. I want to plan stuff and organise and do, do, do. I look forward to going to work. I’m even excited about going back to uni. My excitement about the gym is confined to when I’m booking the class and directly after the end of the session, when I’m chock full of endorphins. Getting out of bed to go to the gym is still a struggle (some things will never change). Still, I want to be busy! To be productive! To get stuff done! The world feels like it’s too slow for me, like I’m speeding ahead and waiting for it to catch up.
Then, at the back of my mind, there’s a pessimistic little voice whispering, “You know this feeling’s temporary, right?” It tells me soon I’ll be crushed under the weight of not wanting – not being able – to do anything at all. Today’s different though. I won’t fucking hear it and I tell that bastard voice to fuck right off. I feel awesome and its type of drag-me-down negativity is not welcome here.
On a side note, has anyone discovered the Thumbprint radio station on Pandora? It pulls all your thumbed up songs together in one station. It’s beyond amazing – even if it does make for a bit of a jumble of awesomeness, depending on how many different genres of music you like (in my case, there are a few).