Anyone that’s been reading this blog for any period of time would be pretty well versed in my complicated relationship with friendship. There are very few people that I immediately warm to let alone become super close friends with and I really struggle to trust anyone. And, after finding this image in a Google search, maybe that’s what I am. A cat in a human body trying to find human friends with cat-like instincts. But I hate cats so the thought of this is actually quite distressing to me. Plus, if that’s the case, I think I’m taking this cat attitude to friendship to a level even cats would be like, “Lady, you need to chill the fuck out.”
God, the way I agonise over this shit, you’d think I was deciding who’s going to be the last person on the planet with me, not just who I want to be friends with. I’m succeeding in making something that should be fun (hell – it’s friendship, for fuck’s sake!), super difficult and not fun in the slightest because I’m too busy second guessing every. single. interaction. I have with someone.
I get all inside my head about what a ‘real’ friend is and who gets to be let into my inner circle (like it’s such a fabulous place to be). I make regular commitments to myself that I’m done with this person, that I’m giving that person another chance, make blanket statements about not being so hard on people and then a few weeks later crack the absolute shits and swear off anyone that’s ever said no to anything I’ve ever invited them to. Ok, I’m exaggerating now but not really all that much.
Surely it can’t just be me? Or maybe it is. Fuck, it wouldn’t surprise me. I’m such an incredibly accomplished overthinker that even the smallest social thing becomes an Everest in my mind. However, my usual see saw of emotions has been rather extreme of late. Thankfully, the benevolent Natalie has come out to play (the malevolent Natalie is a real bitch) and I’m going to try to put my misgivings and distrust aside. Nobody’s perfect, least of all me, and it’s about time I learn to appreciate the people who make an effort. Or to at least give those people a chance.
Life is short and it can’t hurt to let people in every now and again. Actually, I suppose it can but, if you spend your whole life bundled up in steel wool, you’ll find yourself quite cold and lonely eventually. Or hot and lonely, if it’s summer. Does steel wool heat up? I don’t know and besides this metaphor has done it’s job. I’m going to face dive onto the couch and pretend I don’t have any responsibilities in life.
Image credit: Quotesgram