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Apologies for the missing apostrophe

I’m in decent shape for my age (33) although I’m not quite mint condition. I have all of my teeth and no fillings. Actually, no, I’m minus one adult tooth. It was removed by my dentist because it wouldn’t toe the line when I had braces. I still have my wisdom teeth, for better or worse. Oh and I’m minus an appendix but who needs it? Which reminds me of a quote from Fight Club: “I’m Jack’s colon. I get cancer. I kill Jack.” Pretty much the story of the appendix, minus the cancer plus some random, unexplainable rupturing.
Oh wait, did I say decent shape? What I meant was that I’m relatively healthy, not that I’m fit or anything like that. I haven’t been to the gym in a looong time. I actually put my gym membership on hold with a marvellously crafted story about a friend offering to train me for free as a wedding gift. I’m supposedly going back in November, after the wedding, but we all know that’s not going to happen. I’ll email the gym to let them know I’m going to keep training with my “friend”. Already got my exit strategy sorted. You could say I’m committed to being uncommitted although I kind of wish this friend wasn’t so imaginary.
In my defence, I’m managing to walk into work most days. Not from home but from about halfway in – 30mins walk. I’m loving it. It’s a nice time to clear my head and enjoy the beauty Sydney has to offer if you stop and take notice. Still, every now and again, my brain guilts me into thinking about doing some exercise. I’m sure every other bride-to-be has ‘get fit’ on her pre-wedding to do list but not me. I think I’m actually pudging up for mine.
Jared’s losing weight from stress and I’m getting soft and round. Maybe I’m sucking the fat out of him like some kind of invisible cellulite vampire – siphoning it through his soul or aura or some weird shit like that. In which case I’m sure there are many people out there who’d be interested in my services. Maybe that’s what I’ll do when I grow up. Although I’m sure I wouldn’t be in business for long (because I’d be dead).
Image credit: Comments20