I’m not a hugely emotionally expressive person and I’m pretty sure Jared will back me up on that. Add to this the fact that I don’t like to use words like ‘love’ and ‘miss’ unless I mean them and even then I’d probably have to be at least tipsy to say them out loud (or via text message). It takes me a loooong time to feel comfortable using those words in a friendship setting. I have people I’ve been friends with for nearly ten years that tease me about how uncomfortable I get when they try to coerce me into saying how much I like them or how much I’ve missed them.
In the last week, I’ve had two friends make me feel incredibly awkward and yes I’ll freely admit it’s because I’m emotionally retarded. One said “love you” as I sped off in an uber after dinner and the other messaged “miss you so much” when we were making dinner plans. I’m sure most people right now are thinking, “Yeah, so what? You’re friends, right?” Yes, we are but I just can’t use those words. I can’t. Not in a friendship setting. Or at least not in a friendship setting of less than a few years. I. Just. Can’t.
Luckily for me, the uber was driving away so I didn’t have to say anything in return because I was gone, baby, gone. Do I love this person? Honestly, no but I like them. There are very few friends I would use the word ‘love’ for because I take that word very seriously. It’s not something that applies to every relationship I have. I do consider them a good friend but not quite love status yet. Love status comes with time… or when you recognise someone is a kindred spirit and then they can skip the waiting period. That being said, this person is part of a group of friends that use the L word very liberally. It’s just another thing they say to one another. Still, it’s not something I can get on board with (unless I’m high/drunk and then all bets are off).
With the “miss you so much” message, this was more out of the blue. We’ve hung out a few times, always in a group party/social setting, and I made the move to see if she wanted to go to dinner. Made the move? Makes it sound like I’m courting her, which I suppose I kind of am. For friendship, that is (in this case). So yeah, we’re organising dinner and she throws in a “miss you so much” and I had to pause. I don’t think it’s creepy or too forward or anything like that, more that it’s always a shock to me that people can be so expressive and open with people they don’t necessarily know all that well. If I said it, I would feel fake but I suppose not everyone feels so strongly about these things. It’s just something nice to say to someone you like rather than super important words you only say to super important people.
This is definitely a ‘me’ thing, something that’s tangled up in my own personal weirdness when it comes to feelings, friendship and expressing emotion and, hell, probably even vulnerability. I’m just not willing to put myself out there with people I don’t know that well. And for someone like me, ‘people I don’t know that well’ can be people I’ve known and been kind-of friends with for years. It’s just part of what makes me:
(b) a cold hearted bitch.
Multiple choice, bitches. You get to decide.
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